The 3 most important questions

1. When is the most important time in the world?
Now.
2. Who is the most important person in the world?
The person you're with.
3. What is the most important thing in the world?
To care.


***
I heard this in a Buddhist talk by Ajahn Brahm. I found it very meaningful.

Thank you Ajahn Brahm. :)

Why?

I'm going to freaking die like how i died in LES today.
Sigh. I'm getting lazier. And lazier. Where has my willpower gone to?
Why am i so freaking lazy and so freaking stupid?
I really am not who i used to be.
I am shitty, fugly, stupid, lazy, lame, evil, insensitive, stupid.
Mayb i said stupid twice, but that was intentional.
Argh. I better do something about myself.
Shit.
I have to work harder. Because I may not be able to board the express train otherwise.

self -hate

Hate
i) my stupidity
ii) laziness
iii) stupidity

The resounding ticks of doom

I hear it ticking,
the quiet ticking of my clock.

Ever so slowly, it draws me closer to my doom.
Ever so gently, it plunges me deeper into this gloom.

I hear it ticking,
the terrible ticking of my watch,

even when asleep,
it ticks away horribly,
like a thorny vine slowly entangling you,
suffocating you to death.

i hear it ticking,
because it never stops.

Friendship

What is friendship in the first place?
Is it something you hold on to when you're feeling lonely? Something to fight for with your life? Or merely something you can just wash your hands off without a second thought?
Everyone has different views and opinions about friendship, probably due to the different priorities in life and different upbringing during childhood. What the fuck happened to platonic relationships between guys and girls man. The fuck. Is every girl out there someone you should fall in love with? Can there be just a friend of the opposite sex just being a good friend? Why do some people get so fucking confused with these lines? Why can't there be friendship that is pure, and everlasting? Why do people screw each other over? And finally, why the fuck am I cursing so much?
Sigh.
As adults, I find that we must at times see for ourselves what is right and what is wrong. That is also a part of growing up. Dealing with this dilemma is a way of growing, emotionally more than any other departments. Think with an unbiased mind, see with your own eyes, and then judge based on your observations. There can be no certain way of saying what you did was right or wrong, but because you made your decision, you have to pay the price.
I guess im not being very Buddhist about this topic. And I really should just try to follow the middle path. Sigh. I do disappoint myself sometimes. Most of the time.
Maybe i just need sleep.
This world is a screwed up place. But still sometimes you find things to be happy about. When good friends come along, i say hold on to them, and treat them like how you would treat yourself. Because it never dies.
Because you allow a good friendship to die if it does.
But you made the decision. Im contradicting myself arent i?
I need sleep.
I need dreams.
And a blanket to hide them.
Nites.

A new saying.

Happiness is like a little bird; you spend your life finding it and trying to catch it, and when you finally give up and stay still, it lands on hand gently...and FUCKING SHITS ON YOU!
hahahahahahahah.  >.<
damn . i just had to say that. sorry. lol. haha.

Farewell sista !

Haha. It only struck me today. That my sister was actually really leaving to Australia. Like for 2 actual years in the human calendar, and i have no idea where her career would lead her next time. Rather than being sad and 'emo' about it, i guess i should celebrate the fact that this she has finally grown up. :) (although im actually younger than you, but i do look older ,bitch haha.).
   The fact that she was leaving also got me to thinking the fun times we used to have at home last time. :)
   Our lame jokes, obsessions over weird stuff, stupid fun stuff that we enjoyed. Haha, those were really the highlights of the past. Something to smile about when we're older.
    Stay 'slumber' n coolio as usual.
    Byes bitch. N take care.

The girl with the unnatural love

Do not read this story. It is a waste of your time because:
1. it does NOT involve you
2. you're probably better off studying or doing work

***
She was never what you called normal. Yet she was not very weird either. Somehow she managed to squeeze in between the lines. The ones that knew her would remember her well, for she was a rather special person. Yet when asked to describe her, they would scratch their heads, finding it hard to put a word to her character.

Perhaps to understand why she had this unnatural love, you would have to peek into her childhood days. When she was young, she would play alone. Her daily activities revolved around the usual child's sphere of play, from catching frogs to swimming in the river. She sat by the riverbank everyday, staring aimlessly into the flowing water. She would catch fishes and talk to them. Sometimes she would have a heated conversation with a fish that was flapping in the water. But being so young at that time, people would only wave it off as foolish child's imagination.

Her parents thought she was just being a playful child, choosing to spend her days by the riverbank. Yet as the days passed by, she spent longer and longer hours by the riverbank near her house, skipping meals to just gaze and chat with the fishes. Her parents grew worried, and questioned her actions, but all they got as a reply from this child was a curt, "blurp blurp", which she translated as "go fuck yourselves" in fish. For a 5 year old kid, this vocabulary was beyond comprehension, at least during that time. Rather than being proud of their daughter's ability to speak fish, her parents were horrified and began to lock her indoors and limit her playtime at the riverbank.

The girl seemed to revolt at first, but she later realized that going against her parents would not help her with anything. So she resorted to sneaking out at night. Chatting with the fishes at night was a new thrill to her, especially because they seemed to tell more jokes at night. After years of conversation with the riverside fishes, they began to trust her enough to bring her to their houses far north, close to the sea. Initially, the fishes would bicker back and forth whether or not bringing a human to their lair was a wise decision, but as the seasons waxed and waned, she managed to convince them with her fluent fish.

Her nightly activities though, did not go unnoticed. As she grew to the peak of her beauty in her teenage years, the village boys just could not keep their eyes off her. With her unusual crystal blue eyes that stared into space and her dark tresses billowing in the wind, even girls would sigh at her beauty. The boys would try to get her attention but she stayed cool and far from the usual crowd. She preferred the water, the calm and the fishes.

And as people shower attention on one, others would grow green with envy. This happened to the local drama queen Sally, who decided that attention should be spent more on her because she trimmed her nails and straightened her hair. Sally chose a dramatic dark and stormy night to murder her but instead slipped and fell head first into the stream.

Her heart burning with hatred and embarrassment, Sally returned to the village the next day and accused the unusual girl of sorcery and witchcraft. The sadistic nature of humans played a huge role in fueling their superstitious fear of the unknown. The God-fearing villagers then proceeded to try to burn the girl. And even her parents were among the torch-carrying crowd.

"Blasphemy! " they would scream as they marched towards her, each and every hand carrying torches and wishing for her death. The men wanted to see her dead, the housewives wanted to have a juicier topic of conversation and the children were, well, just children tagging along. Sally grinned and wondered why nobody realized she was lying. Probably because she trimmed her nails and kept her face pretty everyday.

Seeing this, the girl dove into the river. Some say they saw her sprout gills from her legs. Others say her skin became scaly like a dragon. But everyone knew that she swam away far towards the north. If you were paying attention, you would realize that the far north is the safe fish sanctuary that the fishes were chatting so happily about.

Once in a while, people would see her surface in some riverbanks across the country, her clear blue eyes piercing through the darkness of the night. She cries and she laughs, because she is finally free, but she is no longer human.

Because of her unnatural love.

Sigh.
***
Anyways, blurp blurp.
:)

Martial arts: Why I love them

It first started with kung fu films i think. The ones that with simple story lines, no nonsense, all fighting kung fu films. You could imagine a child sitting in front of the tv, wide-eyed, looking at Jet Li performing his almost impossible moves. My childhood dream was to be as powerful as how these men could be. To be a fighter, but one that only stood up for justice.
I used to be conceited, thinking that whatever martial art i practiced was the best in the whole wide world. I would ridicule other forms of art during my secondary school years, and i always wondered why my sensei was so humble. Yet, as I packed my bags and stepped into university life, my world's horizon expanded. Understanding for once how large this world was, with so many great people out there, I felt humbled.
No matter what martial art is out there, I will respect them as because each martial art has their own philosophy and cultural roots. Each has their strengths and weaknesses. Each were applicable in their own field of combat, honed to a fining perfection under the masterful work of countless masters.
Nevertheless, people have preferences, and thus comes the never-ending debate of "which martial art is best?". It happened in China during the ancient times, and now it is happening around the world due to globalisation. Gradually, there would be fights fought under false pretences, and just bloodbaths fought in the name of pride and dignity.
It was here I got stuck for quite some time. Why do we fight? Being a peace lover, I find that it is always better to pick the high road of not fighting, and resolving any issue with words rather than fists. Is it an animal instinct that compels us to fight? The urge to show dominance and to satisfy our voracious appetite for success? If you desire peace so much, why learn a martial art in the first place? If we learn to fight and to hurt, wouldn't that martial art be merely a weapon?
I was still questioning myself when I stumbled upon Wing Choon in KL. I was fortunate because I was guided by excellent teachers and friends. This branch of Wing Choon was called Yip Kin Wing Choon. Although I still hardly know much about Wing Choon, the philosophy, history, and movements never fail to astound me. I would rather not discuss my views and interpretations of this wonderful martial art for fear that my inexperience and ignorance would shed a misleading light for those who are unfamiliar to this martial art.
As i began learning here, i found that the people here were generally very kind and well-spoken, and this formed another question in my mind. These people were patient, not quick-to-anger, much less raise fists in a normal squabble, then why would they learn to fight? Why settle things with fists rather than words?
And the the relevation just came. I found out how stupid I was. They learned to protect themselves and their loved ones. Because in the face of danger, our body would be more well coordinated to react immediately and with confidence. Unlike me, who could only think like a stubborn brute, my friends actually wanted to protect something, be it family, loved ones, or to restore self-confidence and dignity.
Sure, it does sound awfully cliched. But fighting to protect something would always propel us to greater heights. It is something larger than self. We swallow our ego and venture further. We learn to respect other martial arts, and then that respect begins to encompass other aspects that we discriminate against, such as race, culture and religion. So that answered my initial question, we fight to protect, to humble ourselves and to be healthier, happier people.
I fight to protect,yes. But that doesn't stop me from enjoying it. Hehe!

Growing up = giving up ideals?

Today while i busy doing nothing, fiddling with the computer my junior from secondary school nudged me on msn. We had a short chat but this got me to thinking, between my final year(in which i graduated) and today, what on earth happened to me? I am still same old me, yet I've developed an amazing variety of bad habits. I'm lazier, crazier and less idealistic than my former self.
I had so many ideals that i swore i would never give up. Back in Chung Ling Butterworth, i was relatively happy, sheltered from many unknowns of the world. Perhaps its because I felt like there were so many things waiting for me to be done, so many wrongs in the world that desperately needed me to right. After graduating, slowly but inevitably, I couldn't hold on to many of the ideals that were slipping away from me.
I wanted to be pure good, vowing that I would never be lazy, never be unmindful, never give way to wrong things in life. And now I feel as though everything has been stripped away from me, and I am but an empty shell of foolishness.
Perhaps growing up only occurs when you accept the harsh realities of the world, when you are forced to adapt to a world that is alien to yours, and when you look back, you'd only smile and say , " how young and foolish i was".

New Year's...Hmmm...

Despite my nagging desire to go to the countdown on New Year's eve, I didn't go to anywhere remotely close to a town. All i chose to do was stay in my little hole and spend time with my friends. A new year has come and gone, where do i go from here, i wondered yesterday?
Perhaps the reason why people await the arrival of the new year so eagerly(particularly us students) is because we see hope to start anew, however unrealistic it may seem. For those who slugged through the year half-awake, it may seem like this year is going to be a year where we're going to throw out all of our nefarious activities that we so stubbornly clung on to last year. We hope that somehow we can improve our lifestyles by studying harder, earning more money and fulfilling all our promises to those we love. We want to be contented and happier, not the miserable slug-people that we were before.
Sure, we had loads of fun. But perhaps we are starting to lose sight of the one thing that we thought that we could achieve when we were young - happiness. We lost sight of our goals and motivation amidst the sea of distractions. What do we actually want? Money, property, outward success? These are the three ideals that Albert Einstein despised, as they granted us nothing more than temporary pride and fake happiness. Instead, what drove this genius onwards was Truth, Beauty and Goodness.
In a way, i agree with him. We know that becoming a better person will invariably steer our path towards something better, yet we stubbornly refuse to accept that when it is thrown at our faces. We aren't exactly saints. We curse, we scream and we hate every single day. We are enticed by the bitches of desire everyday, and everyday we fall into its trap.
For me, my biggest enemy is sleep. I hate myself when I sleep till the afternoon yet i repeat the same cycle everyday. I'm like an nocturnal animal that is truly awake at night. Hence, my prime time in a day is about 1 or 2 hours, where i am truly of sound mind, before i return to my eternal slumber. The rest of the day creeps by in a blurry daze. I don't think much calculation is needed to know that hating yourself everyday is not a healthy practice.
So what do i do about it? Nothing.
This leads me back to my boring new year and self. Hope is definitely what i require to get myself out of this abyss. I think most people would think the same. That they can do much better than they are doing now. Hence, I wrote a few new resolutions:
1) Study harder.(Seriously, study harder).
2) Sleep less, exercise more.
3) learn wushu or some martial art.
4) be a better person in general.
5) Call home more, and call my popo more.
6) Be nicer towards family, loved one and friends.
7) Write more short stories.
8) Finish those short stories when i start them(lol)
9) save more money(seriously, save more money)
okay, here is where those resolutions start to get unrealistic(for next year, as I'm still a student)
10) buy a pool table
11) buy a nice house
Hoping for something better is surely a nice feeling. If this feeling stays with us for everyday of the year, then perhaps the dark clouds of misery would be blown away by the winds of hope.(Rather corny, this one).
I sure dont know how to conclude something like this,anyway...
Happy New Year!